Well… crap!
Here we go again.
Here I am in the same fucked up situation that is so heartbreakingly familiar that it’s almost laughable. It’s actually pathetic.
A situation I absolutely knew was coming, but it’s still surprising in some way. A situation that I knew wasn’t going to end well for me but I avoided every red flag and ran straight towards it like red is my favourite fucking colour.
I opened myself up to someone who I thought gave a damn. Who I thought cared about me. Who knew what I had been through and I thought would be “different”
Turns out, there really is no different for me.
They treat me like I don’t matter. Ignore me like I deserve no respect. And don’t give a damn that I’m hurting. They’re only interested on their terms to hell with what I think, feel or want, right?
God I feel like an idiot.
And so god damn confused.
How can someone who makes you feel on top of the world also make you feel like your world is crumbling. I don’t understand.
Am I really that impossible to love that any one who gets close to me ends up treating me this way? There comes a time when you have to start questioning if it’s you that’s the problem. If this is truly the only type of “love” I deserve.
I can confidently say I have never felt what it’s like to be loved. Every relationship I have ever had has been one that has been crowded in pain, sadness and left me questioning my worth. I have never been a priority. Always an after thought. A maybe. A second choice. Someone to pass on when they can’t be arsed or something better is available and someone to call on when the time suits or it serves the other person.
I am really starting to see that I am better off on my own. The only person who can hurt me that way is me.
I am sick of making myself vulnerable and allowing myself to be treated in this way.
And what annoys me more is that I’m not oblivious. I see it happening. I am self aware and can see everything crumbling around me but I can’t seem to stop it. The fear of being alone is more overwhelming than repeating a pattern of unhealthy relationships that do nothing but reinforce the message that I am worthless and unlovable.
I give up.
